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For me to join a cult, there would need to be a few things in place.

1) The leader better have a good sense of fashion. I could never be seen wearing some white woolen dress all year round. Do you know how hard it is to keep things white? They probably would have to use a metric ton of clorox to keep things perfect. And what about Memorial Day? How am I going to explain it to other people that I am still wearing white? “Oh this? Yeah, I know it’s October 24th. I was just getting home from P Diddy’s party.”

2) They better have good tasting food (not filled with poison). Imagine there was only bread and water. Oprah might “looooveee it!”, but not me. I need to have chicken, rice, salad, fish and variety. Now, if this were an upscale cult, I would not pass on the caviar and champagne (again, no poison)

3) No memorization of weird slogans. I am a college student and I have enough things to study.

4) I must be able to use my phone. I would hope with so many people that they would let me join their plan. If I’m going to get a text to meet somewhere at like 5 AM, it better be at their expense.

5) Free Wi-Fi. No silly passwords for it either like “Dach0zen1!” or “TheyRcoming!”

6) They can’t be mean to other people. The cult should be welcoming and have a good initiative to help those in the most need.

7) They do not ask me for money. In fact, they should be giving me money for joining them! And, for every new person I bring in, I get $100.

8) Again, not just white.

9) If we have to be out in public, we have to be done quickly. Not that much walking either. I will go somewhere that I can sit down, and chant or whatever, and I can watch my Netflix.

10) No one asks me to make a Top 10 list.