yamazaki's experience

When Yamazaki recalls his experience having had a positive effect on his relationship with his girlfriend, it reminds me of a significant change that occurred in my own relationship following an accident


My partner and I had only been together for just under a year at this point, but for many reasons, we argued a lot. I didn’t understand why simple conversations had to be overcomplicated by misunderstandings, assumptions and cynicism all the time. I had my own problems.  At the time, we were both just trying to get our lives together. One thing I remember was a persistent feeling that his coworkers had some kind of influence on him; I'd met them before, and I thought they were assholish and self-important (he worked at a vegan restaurant, if that means anything) and that it just seemed to be rubbing off on him. This just made it difficult to deal with his temperament. We just thought of life differently. And we were young.


The accident happened at a time when I was almost sure we were at a breaking point. He was increasingly rude, dismissive, and jealous. I contemplated ending the relationship one day. I told him I couldn’t handle it anymore. I thought our differences or disagreements could have been easily resolved, but his attitude just really sucked. The stress was getting to me and it all felt so unnecessary. We both attended a concert at Madison Square Garden the night before. I was by myself all the way up in the front, and he was somewhere up in the nosebleeds with a coworker. We caught up after the show and went home in unbearable silence. No discussions of the show or where he even was. I was upset the rest of the evening and I told him so.


I got a phone call from him while he was at work the next morning. He apologized to me. It was what I had been waiting for, and I knew I deserved it but I remember thinking, "uncharacteristically sincere." He offered to pick me up from work later that evening. I was mulling it over all day afterward. I got through my day, anyhow, and as usual, waited outside my workplace for him to pick me up as he usually did. That evening, I was a ball of anxiety. He was usually punctual, so waiting was only making it worse for me, I had been carrying this tightness in my chest all day. It was a nice evening, though. The last days of September. One by one, my coworkers would leave the building and ask, “you still waiting?” and I’d laugh it off or make a joke or something. But I realized it was starting to get pretty late - I was standing there for more than an hour. I remember several times calling his phone from a payphone nearby. When I finally did reach him, he sounded unrecognizable, he said to go home. “Just go home, I can’t speak right now, I’m in the hospital.” What the fuck? “What happened??” “Someone ran me over!” he strained.  “I have to go. I’ll call you.” That was it. That’s all I could know. I remember the wave of shock and confusion, then my head just felt like a block, empty as I walked to the train station. There I was on this long commute back, while he was possibly very injured in the hospital. I have a way of dissociating when I experience shock. Hard to reconcile that brief interaction on the phone from the one just earlier that day. I felt zombie-like. I just had my headphones on and tried to calm myself down. I wondered what his parents would say. Then I felt sick with guilt, like I was responsible, like “if he hadn’t set off to pick me up from work, he wouldn’t be in the E.R. right now.”


I finally got home, braced myself and called him. He picked up after a few rings, to my surprise, audibly groggy, but calm. They had him on a morphine drip, and he was able to explain to me that some woman hit him on Queens Boulevard and tried to flee from the scene. A man saw what happened and chased after her until she finally stopped and he was able to get her information, and call 911. He explained all the injuries and the surgery he would need for his wrist (he said when he looked at it, his hand was hanging at a 90 degree angle, he went into shock). I distinctly remember from that evening forward, things were so radically different. He was different. And, I noticed immediately, how considerate he was all of a sudden. It became easier to talk to him. We spent months working out issues and hurt feelings while he healed, and I helped as much as he needed. It was a major reality check, of how fragile life is. Months later (Feb 28, 2008) I lost my friend Asif, who was killed just blocks from where my boyfriend was hit, right on Queens Blvd while riding his bike home. I remember how I hesitated to tell my boyfriend what had happened to him. It's hard to avoid using any cliches here, but this really compounded the feeling that it can all end so abruptly, and yes, we definitely were guilty of taking each day for granted. I think about that day in September, and the death of my friend in February, and I just never want to forget what that taught me.